I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
