He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
