i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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