plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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