singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
