Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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