everyone is single if you try hard enough
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
