this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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