we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize