he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
