So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
