you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
