I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
