Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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