EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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