Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize