i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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