The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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