I cannot find my penis.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
