My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
