i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
