just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
