we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
