I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
