I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
did i just pee glitter
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
