WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
