We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
