were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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