Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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