I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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