I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Randomize
