man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
