maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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