we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
