her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
