i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
