I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize