News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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