If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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