i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
