My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
