I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize