Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
