I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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