im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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