Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
why do cheetos always look like penises
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
