i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize