my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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