My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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