after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
