then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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