I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
