I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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