the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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