Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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