The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
