Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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