I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
