I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
