All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
