and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
