make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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