a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize